Breaking the Cycle of Weight Loss and Gain
The Finish Line - How I found inspiration on the road to a better life.
By Liz Esquirol
As far back as I can remember, I watched my mother struggle to lose weight. She was a beautiful, curvy woman. She, like many women, carried most of her weight in her hips and thighs. As an adult, I bought her a birthday card that read, “I got your hips, I got your eyes, but most of all, I got your thighs!” We laughed about it and I teased my mother by thanking her repeatedly for the “gift” of her thighs.
As a young girl, I watched my mother eat her “diet” foods at the dinner table while the rest of us heartily ate the main meal she had prepared. She picked at her diet cottage cheese and her diet salads, sometimes accompanied by a square or two of Melba Toast. It was less like a weight loss diet and more like a bird’s dinner. Always obsessed with the idea of losing weight through diet and exercise, she joined the women’s gym, Elaine Powers, which was located, oddly enough, next door to her favorite supermarket. Although I recall seeing her leave the house occasionally in her workout clothes, I don’t think she got to exercise as often as she would’ve liked due to the demands of a busy work schedule, four children and a husband.
As my body blossomed, I began to see and feel the affects of weight gain. Although I was never really heavy, I worried constantly at the expansion of my lower half. I feared that I would face the same fate as my mom – a life of quiet desperation and constantly struggling with how to lose weight. Instead of carelessly eating what I wanted, with no thought of diet or health, I developed shame about my love of French fries and snack foods. A friend of my brother’s once declared that he could eat anything he wanted and never gain weight and never have to exercise. I envied him so.
As the years wore on, my mother grew so heavy it affected her entire life. She wore all loose fitting clothing and got winded at the slightest exertion. She couldn’t do even the most basic kinds of exercise and was unable to stay consistent with any weight loss diet. I could see the pain her excessive weight caused her, both emotionally and physically. I tried to motivate her to lose weight but she was so tired of the constant ups and downs she had experienced with her diet and exercise attempts that she just gave up. Shortly after retirement, she passed away after a bout with cancer. My mother, a nurse by trade, had spent her entire life working to restore the health of others and could not, for her own personal reasons, find the strength to restore the health she deserved through diet and exercise.
I too have struggled with weight issues and body image my whole life. From my college years through my 30’s, my weight yo-yoed. Over the years, I continued to do the “start/stop” of exercise and weight control. I couldn’t manage to keep any momentum going for weight loss and exercise.
Then, one day, anger opened the door. I was in a relationship and was upset with my boyfriend and the direction our relationship was taking. I was frustrated and needed to let off steam. I ran on a hot quiet country road, near his home, until the scorching sun wouldn’t let me run anymore. My body and brain needed the release and a new way of life was born.
I connected the dots between exercise, weight loss and health. I began to feel the emotional and physical benefits from a life based in being active and pro-active. I understood that in order to finally release myself from the years of weight loss and gain, of self-loathing and illogical fear, that I had to take charge of my health by remaining positive and making each step one step forward.
Since then, I have lost weight, changed my diet and have run in two New York City Marathons, a challenge I could never have imagined. Although my mother did not live to watch me cross the finish line, she was with me in spirit. I held the image of her in my mind as I struggled through the last painful miles and her memory kept me going. I ran those miles for all the miles she could not run and I broke the cycle of weight loss issues that she could not break. I know she is proud of me. I am proud of me.
Whether the goal is weight loss, dieting or improved self-esteem, I believe that the finish line is open and waiting for us all.